


Ride or Die Or Get Me off of This Crazy Thing

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 08:55:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5242331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They made it.  They made the three plus hours ride.  They survived Kenny G and Gordo.  Rafael survived his mother, Aunt, sister, and cousin gabbing in Spanish with Olivia.  He survived funny childhood stories that got unfunny for him very quickly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ride or Die Or Get Me off of This Crazy Thing

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to Unconscious Coupling.

“What’s the matter?” Liv asked as she opened the door.

“She's downstairs.” Rafael walked into the apartment. “She’s downstairs in the car and she’s taking the three hour ride with us.”

“She’s your mother, Barba.”

“You think I don’t know that? Look at my face…I know that.”

“You're frantic.” Liv put her hands on his shoulders. “Just stop; stop and breathe. Everything is going to be fine. We’ll use Noah’s cuteness to combat anything that might drive you crazy.”

“Noah’s cuteness.” He whispered. “You know, Noah’s cuteness just might work. This is a good plan.”

“OK. So we grab our bags and we go. Can you get Noah?”

“Um…”

“Oh c'mon, you're going to have to hold my child eventually. It’s not that difficult, he's not even squirmy.”

“I can admit that he's not very squirmy.” Rafael said. “That’s slightly reassuring.”

Liv went and picked Noah up from the floor where he was playing with blocks. He was all dressed and ready to go in his blue and white striped shirt and his Oshkosh overalls. She carried him over to Rafael, her hand resting on his back.

“Hold him just like I'm holding him. He's not going to freak out on you, I promise.”

The ADA sighed but he took the toddler into his arms. Noah seemed unaffected by the whole thing. He was a quiet kid, which Rafael could appreciate. It wasn’t that he didn’t like kids, they were OK. He didn’t often know what to say to them or how to act around them. At Noah’s age it was probably difficult to see his awkwardness. His nieces and nephews noticed it almost immediately.

“I've got the bags, I've got Noah’s diaper bag, and I packed some snacks.” Liv said.

“Give me one of the bags.” Rafael put it on his shoulder. “OK, we can do this.”

“Yes we can.” Liv nodded.

They walked out of the apartment, Liv locking up behind her. Rafael had a dark blue BMW X3 double parked outside and she admired it.

“I rented it.” He said, pushing the lobby door open. My car wasn’t big enough for all of us and the luggage. “It’s spacious and comfortable. My mother is impressed by the seats that heat her butt.”

“Olivia!” Lucia climbed out of the backseat and greeted Olivia with open arms. “It is so good to see you again.”

“You too, Mrs. Barba.” Liv smiled. “Are you looking forward to this weekend?”

“Are you kidding? I'm going to be surrounded by those I love the most. And of course all of my amazing grandchildren.” She went straight for Noah. “Come to abuelita, you little cacahuete (1).”

“Can you put him in the car seat?” Liv asked as she and Rafael went to the back with the bags.

“I’ll take care of it.”

Lucia was speaking to Noah in Spanish, just chattering as grandmothers do. He surely didn’t understand a word she said but he was a pretty laid back kid. She was expert at getting him in the car seat and Olivia smiled as she watched them. Her mother was gone, Noah didn’t have any grandparents. Sometimes she hated that family ended with the two of them. She wanted to create this world for him that was comforting and good. Worlds like that definitely needed abuelitas.

“Don’t encourage her.” Rafael whispered as he shut the hatchback.

“It doesn’t matter if I do or don’t. Are you going to be this paranoid the entire trip?”

“It’s highly likely.”

“You're not going to have any fun.” She said.

“I'm with my family, it’s a given.”

“Stop.” Liv kept him from going over to the driver’s side of the car. “I don't know the entire history of the Barba family so I'm only coming at this as someone who cares about you. I want you to do your best and let go this weekend. 

“This is for your mom, OK? And if it gets to be too much, I'm gonna be there to pull you out of the fire. Your blood pressure is going through the roof, Barba, I can see the blood in your cheeks. I know it might not be easy, I get it, but you’ve got to relax.”

“You're going to have to call me by my first name.” he said. “I have no idea what my mother may have told my family about us, whether we were friends or more than that. But if you call me Barba they might get suspicious.”

“I can do that.” Liv nodded. It wasn’t the first time she thought about the fact that she never used the ADA’s first name. He called her Olivia, and more often Liv. That was a sign of closeness between them…so few people actually called her Liv. She wasn’t quite sure why she rarely used his first name, even when they were together after hours. 

Everyone had their line in the sand and maybe that was hers. She was going to have to step over it this weekend. Since she was asking so much of Rafael, it was the least she could do. “Alright,” she held out her fist. “Let's do kickass on three?”

“Are you serious?”

“Work with me, Barba.”

“Fine. 1, 2, 3…”

“Kickass.” They said it together, bumping fists.

Walking in opposite directions, Liv and Rafael got into the car. She handed Lucia the diaper bag in the back seat.

“We’ve had breakfast so he won't need a snack for a while.” Liv said. “I'm thinking if the road isn't too bumpy then he’ll most likely sleep. We've never been on a long car ride.”

“I'm just going to put on some music.” Rafael said, hoping it would be the perfect barrier to his mother engaging Liv in conversation.

“Rafi, I don’t want any of that awful pop music.” Lucia said.

“Mami, I haven’t listened to pop music since Menudo. I actually have a surprise for you…I got Kenny G.”

“Oh, I love Kenny G.”

“I know.” He turned to Liv. “If it’s not salsa music or Broadway soundtracks, it has to be Kenny G.”

Liv smiled, hoping she would make it through the next three hours of whitewashed smooth jazz.

“One of the teachers at school introduced me to him years ago.” Lucia said. “I was never a big jazz lover, my sisters used to go out dancing to these jazz clubs in Harlem all the time. I stayed in the Bronx where I felt safe. But when I listened to Kenny G it wasn’t any hoochie coochie, it was beautiful.”

“I've tried to explain that one of the best things about jazz is the hoochie coochie.” Rafael said as he started the car and moved into the busy morning traffic.

“Are you a Kenny G fan, Olivia?”

“No ma'am.” She shook her head. “I'm going to be experiencing this for the first time.”

“You're going to love it, I'm sure.” Lucia said. “Now let's get down to you telling me all about yourself.”

“Wow, we made it two blocks mami.” Rafael said. “That has to be a record.”

“You hush and drive, Rafi. The women are talking now.”

“I can't tell you how many times in my life I've heard that.” He rolled his eyes.

“It’s OK.” Olivia put her hand on his arm. “Focus on the road.”

“So why have you never been married?” Lucia asked. “A pretty woman like you, and with such drive and intelligence…men should be beating down your door.”

Rafael held back his groan. There was nothing to do but let it happen. As long as his mother didn’t get too inquisitive, he would let Liv handle it on her own. He did need to concentrate on the road. This wasn’t the first time he'd be driving to Sag Harbor but he had his mother and a baby in the car. Any opportunity to think about something other than the first of many interrogations was good for Rafael.

***

They pulled into the wide driveway three and a half hours later. Rafael could barely believe he survived. They stopped at a rest stop halfway for the bathroom and for his mother to stretch her legs. She and Noah did a little jogging and she let him dance happily on a tabletop to whatever the pop music was they were playing inside the store where Rafael got another cup of coffee. He endured hearing that he drank too much coffee. He made it through nearly three hours of Kenny G on repeat, which anyone could tell you was no easy feat. And with 45 minutes to go, he was able to look into his rearview mirror and see both his mother and Noah fast asleep.

“I have to give you Round 1.” Rafael said in a low tone. “You blocked every jab with grace and efficiency.”

“I like your mother, Rafael. You're both too hard on each other.”

“She's amazing. She's strong and smart and wise, but she drives me crazy.”

“I thought mothers were supposed to do that.” Liv said.

“And sons are supposed to count the hairs in the sink as they fall out from stress.” Rafael said.

“You’ve still got plenty left.” She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. “You're alright.”

He smiled, once again putting his full attention on the road. Rafael wasn’t sure if his mother was really asleep or had found the perfect way to spy on him and Olivia. He put on some bearable music, Peter Gabriel, for the last leg of the trip and relaxed for one of the first times since picking Liv up.

There was a sports car in the driveway beside where Rafael had pulled in. It had to be his brother, no one else would drive a cock mobile. If both of his sons had come with him that meant that the girlfriend hadn’t. He couldn’t imagine two growing boys in the back of that thing. It barely had a backseat.

“Mom, can you take Noah in? Liv and I will get the bags. I think Eddie is already here.”

“I sure will.”

Noah was asleep and being lifted out of the car did little to affect his nap. Lucia cooed to him anyway as they went into the house together. Rafael and Olivia got out of the car and walked to the back.

“This house is beautiful.” She said. “Are you renting it? Where did you find it?”

“The brother of a close friend owns it but he and his family only stay through the Labor Day weekend. When I told him I wanted to do something good for my mother with the family, he suggested it.”

“I've got to become friends with your friends.”

“It’s a job sometimes, Liv. Everything is a job sometimes.”

“Hey Gordo!”

“Oh lord.” Rafael sighed, putting on a fake smile as he turned to face his big brother. “Hey Eddie.”

“You lookin’ good, Gordo.” He gripped him up in a bear hug that Liv thought looked painful. “That chub is nearly all gone…not quite though. Ooh, you got a little something on your shirt.”

“I…” Rafael looked down and his brother poked him. “Ahh yes.”

“I can't believe you still fall for that.” Eddie Barba laughed. “You went to Harvard for God’s sake. I always told Mami you weren't as smart as she bragged you were. Well, well, well,” he moved Rafael to the side. “Who do we have here? I'm Eduardo Barba.”

“Olivia Benson.” She shook his hand.

“Olivia.” He sang her name. “You are a very beautiful woman, way too beautiful for my brother. You can tell me the truth…it’s his money isn't it?”

“It’s not his money.” She shook her head.

“Let me help with the bags, Gordo.” Eduardo pulled a suitcase and two bags from the trunk with little effort. “You were going to make a woman carry bags?” He said as he walked away. “Jesus, no wonder you can't keep a girlfriend. Man up.”

“There's still time to run.” Rafael said when his brother was out of earshot.

“Can't, your mother is holding my son hostage.”

“There is that.”

“What’s with Gordo?” she asked.

“It means fat.” Rafael replied through clenched teeth. “My father used to call me that and my brother picked it up because it made dad laugh.”

Olivia took his hand. They had been there for five minutes and he was already wilting. If she had to hold his hand the entire weekend then she would. And she would make sure that his brother never called him Gordo again. She knew how to do the first thing but wasn’t so sure about the second. 

They walked into the house together. Rafael hugged his nephews, 14 year old Eddie and 11 year old Jeremy. They were getting tall, growing up. He’d seen them at the funeral but hadn’t in a while before that. Their mother had joint custody with Eduardo but she still liked to use them to make trouble. They were living in Queens, not even far away, and he never saw them.

“I put Noah down in the room off the study.” Lucia came back into the room. “There's a study and a bedroom back there. Since there was a crib and there you and Rafi can sleep there this weekend.”

“Mami, will you be alright climbing the stairs?” Rafael asked.

“I’ll be fine.” She smiled. “Plus you're a new couple…you need your privacy. Look at that; I love to see you holding hands.”

Rafael almost took his hand away but Liv held on. He looked at her, she smiled and looked calm. This was only the beginning as there was much more family to come.

***

The women were in the kitchen and the men were off doing what men do. It might be sexist but it was tradition and Lucia liked keeping certain traditions. She also didn’t want the men anywhere near her food messing it up. Her father was one of the few men she knew who was excellent in the kitchen. It was only on rare occasions that her mother surrendered the pots and pans.

Everything in the room smelled wonderful and the women put Olivia to work. They were making boliche, arroz moro, Cuban imperial rice, crushed potatoes, and corn on the cob. It was going to be a belly buster kind of night. Though she wasn’t the best cook, she flourished under Lucia and Isabelle’s tough love and guidance.

“You want to satisfy a Cuban man,” Isabelle said. “You learn to cook. He's not going to wander if he gets the best at home.”

“Oh please.” Lucia laughed. “Eddie couldn’t keep it in his pants and I fed him like a king.”

“Mami!” Camilla Barba laughed. “No habla mal de los muertos (2).” She did the sign of the cross.

“I'm sorry sweetie, but it’s true. Anyway, Rafi has that sophisticated white man palette…he’ll be fine.”

“You and my brother work together, Olivia?” Camilla asked.

“He's an ADA and I'm a cop. I bring in the bad guys and he puts them in jail.”

“And you work sex crimes?” Susanna asked. She was peeling potatoes. “That can't be easy for a woman.”

“It’s not easy for anyone. But we do our best to speak for the victims. Rafael does that very well.”

“Are you in love with him?” Aunt Isabelle didn’t bother with the pomp and circumstance.

“I um…we’re very close. He isn't easy but I'm not going anywhere.”

“What did I tell you?” Lucia hit her sister’s arm. “Our Rafi has finally found a good woman. She's not a Cuban woman, no offense Olivia, but she's a good woman. She’ll make him right.”

“Mami…” Camilla shook her head.

“I'm serious. I was worried for so many years, I prayed and prayed. God took his time but he answered my prayers.”

“What do you mean by make him right?” Olivia asked.

“He went through that phase.” Aunt Isabelle said before Lucia could answer. “Sodomía (3).” She lowered her voice when she said it. She and Lucia both did the sign of the cross.

“We shouldn’t be talking about Rafi like this.” Camilla said. “Olivia may not know these things.”

“I know that Rafael is bisexual.” She said. She didn’t feel entirely comfortable talking about it amongst the women closest to him. That was his personal business; he probably had no idea they all knew. “It’s not a secret between us.”

“And you're OK with the fact that he's slept with men?” Susanna asked. “I love my cousin so much but I don’t know if I could overlook that.”

“Would it be different if he'd bedded every woman in Manhattan?” Olivia asked. “Rafael has a sexual past, so do I, and we would never judge each other on it.”

“I told you,” Lucia said. “Good woman she is…perfect for my Rafi. Now Susanna, tell us about this job offer in Florida.”

So much of the conversation after that was in Spanish but Liv was fluent so she managed to keep up for the most part. The fact that she could speak the language made all the women even more comfortable around her. Rafael was lurking, she could sometimes feel his presence. Whenever he got too close he was shooed away by his mother or Aunt. They locked eyes a couple of times; Liv tried to assure him without words that everything was fine. They had switched from English to Spanish, which meant the conversation would intensify. He just wanted to make sure that she was OK.

***

“Liv,” Rafael lightly tapped on the bedroom door. “Are you decent?”

“Yeah, c'mon in.”

He walked in and saw her sitting on the bed. Her idea of decent was panties and a sports bra. That had not been what Rafael was talking about.

“Um…” he went to cover his eyes.

“It’s OK, Counselor, I'm just moisturizing my skin. The air is pretty dry this time of year.”

“You don’t mind if I undress for bed, do you?” he asked.

“Nope, c'mon in. This is our bedroom tonight and tomorrow night. I think we can cohabitate just fine. I unpacked some of your stuff and put it in drawers. I hate living out of suitcases. So the chest of drawers is yours and the smaller dresser is for Noah and I.”

“Thank you.” Rafael walked over to the chest of drawers. All of his toiletries were right there in front of him. He opened the top drawer and there were boxer briefs, undershirts, and socks. Shirts were in the second drawer, along with pajama pants, and his pants, two pairs of khakis, a pair of jeans, and a pair of black pants were in the third. “What about my shoes?”

“They're right inside the closet door.” Liv replied. “I especially adore the boat shoes.”

“Well when you go out on a boat, you wear boat shoes. I bought Noah a pair.”

“I saw them; they're adorable. I put them in his drawer. I guess he’ll wear the sailor outfit tomorrow.”

“I want to have a good time.” Rafael said. He was slowly taking off his clothes, nervous. Liv had never seen him in a certain state of undress.

“Well your two nieces think the world of him. Malia has decided that he's officially her baby. Rosemarie just thinks he's precious. Your sister and brother-in-law are raising two great girls.”

“They are. I wish Milla and Javier didn’t have to live in Savannah but he's found great work down there. When they first started dating my abuelita used to call him Mexican Javier since we knew so many people with that name but none of them were Mexican. The women in my family were on the fence about him for a long time, mostly because of stereotypes. Milla stuck to her guns…she has a good husband.”

“How many times has your brother been married?” Liv asked.

“Twice. Eddie and Jeremy are his kids with his first wife. He has a daughter with his second wife but we rarely see her, they live in Denver and she wishes Eddie would die. I think there were some domestic issues but I do my best to stay far away from Eddie and his shenanigans. My mother treats him just as she did my father; knows he's a piece of shit but will love and care for him anyway. As if with the right amount of love and understanding his heart will no longer be three sizes too small.”

Rafael quickly changed from his polo into a Brooklyn Nets tee shirt. He took off his khakis, folded them, and put them in the bottom drawer. It was warm in the room so he didn’t want to sleep in pajama pants tonight.

“Do you think if we open one of these windows, it would between too cold for Noah?” he asked.

“He should be fine.” Liv replied. “I brought an extra blanket in case it gets chillier.”

“My family adores him and he seemed to thrive with the girls. My brother, halfway through a six pack, was smoking on the porch when I went to get something from the car. He asked me who Noah’s dad was and if I was gonna man up and be one if the prick left you hanging. His language was a bit more colorful but I think you get it.”

“What did you say?”

“I said that you and I hadn’t discussed that yet and when we do, we do. I came back into the house as fast as I could. The last person I would ever let lecture me on fatherhood is my brother.”

He sat down on the bed and watched her moisturize her skin. Rafael knew it wasn’t supposed to be an erotic act but it was turning him on. Liv had long limbs and they were mostly naked. He wanted to sit on his hands so he wouldn’t accidentally reach out and touch something. That would’ve been a no-no.

“Should we lay down some sleeping ground rules?” he asked, just trying to make conversation.

“You can sleep by the window since you wanted the extra air.” She said.

“You can't sleep on the outside.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s stupid but I was raised to believe a man sleeps on the outside, just like we walk on the outside. If danger comes then we face it first.”

“That’s sweet.” She rubbed his hand. “But I'm trained to use firearms and I know some martial arts…I think we’ll be OK.”

“Well I just want to put it out there that I was willing to possibly be gravely injured in a fight to the death for your honor.”

“So noted.” Liv laughed. 

She got from the bed and went out to the dresser. Grabbing her pajama pants and tee shirt, Liv lifted the sports bra over her head. Her back was to Rafael so he didn’t see a thing but it still shocked him; she heard the gasp. Her tee shirt was nearly long enough to cover her buttocks so she slipped out of the panties and into the pants with snowflakes on them in record time. Putting those clothes in the mesh laundry bag she packed, Olivia checked once more on sleeping Noah before climbing under the covers. Rafael was still sitting on the bed looking a little lost.

“What’s the matter?” she asked.

“It’s just been a long day. My family can be overwhelming.” He managed a smile when he said it but it wasn’t quite a happy one.

“So come to bed.”

“I'm sorry?” he looked back at her.

“Come to bed, Rafael, tomorrow will be better.”

“Let us pray.”

He went around to the other side of the bed and climbed in. He didn’t know how much Liv would or wouldn’t want to touch over the course of the night so he was stiff as a board for a few minutes. Just holding up the covers near his chin and contemplating his next move.

“You might be more comfortable if we spooned, or if you slept in my arms.” She said. “It could shake off some of the tension.”

“We’re alone in here Liv, we don’t have to pretend. We don’t even have to pretend with my family. I told my mother we’re just friends so this isn't the fake girlfriend thing. At least it shouldn’t be on our parts…what my family believes, they’re going to believe.”

“OK.” She nodded, turning off the lamp on her nightstand. “Goodnight, Counselor.”

“Goodnight.”

Rafael turned his lamp off too and just laid in the dark. The cooler air coming in made him feel a bit better but he still couldn’t relax. A few times he found himself looking at Liv’s back. As time ticked on he wondered if she was asleep and just how long he was going to lie there. 

Without at least seven hours of sleep he was going to be no good tomorrow. And tomorrow was the big day. They would go sailing and there was a fancy restaurant dinner planned for his mother, a total surprise that he couldn’t even tell Aunt Isabelle since surprise was an unknown concept to her. It was going to be a long day, hopefully a fun day, and Rafael was the master of ceremonies.

“Liv?” he whispered, not wanting to wake her if she was asleep.

“Hmm?” she turned on her back, glancing at him.

“That spoon thing.” He said.

“What about it?”

“I might need that, I'm sorry. I'm trying not to be anxious but I'm feeling…”

“You don’t have to apologize. You did great tonight but I know it took some energy out of you.” She turned on her side, wrapping Rafael up in her arms. He exhaled, doing his best to let the day go. 

They made it. They made the three plus hours ride. They survived Kenny G and Gordo. Rafael survived his mother, Aunt, sister, and cousin gabbing in Spanish with Olivia. He survived funny childhood stories that got unfunny for him very quickly.

“I watched him drink an entire six pack tonight.” He whispered.

“Your brother?”

“Yeah. That’s what my old man used to do. He would come home from work, sit in his chair, and drink his beer. Sometimes all it did was make him sleepy and he'd pass out. Other times he would think of some reason to lash out, usually at me. Gordo, he’d bellow, bring me another beer. 

“I shook every time I had to do it. He would always snatch it and then shove me away. If my brother was in the room, he'd laugh; he'd say my fat bottom cushioned the fall. Sometimes I'm so glad he's dead. If there's a God I ask forgiveness for that.”

“Go to sleep.” Liv’s voice was soothing as she stroked his hair. “You're not here with your father or your brother, you're here with me. I'm not going to shove you…I'm going to hold you. So close your eyes, breathe in and breathe out...you’re safe.”

“I'm so glad you're here.” Rafael covered her hands with his.

“That’s why I'm here.” She kissed his shoulder. “We’ll get up in the morning and take a nice walk. That will get your blood pumping.”

“A walk sounds nice.” He smiled. “Thanks Liv.”

“You're welcome. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

***

“They had free umbrellas at the coffee shop.” Liv said as she and Rafael walked up the street to the house.

“I also got scones.” Rafael said.

“Mami and Auntie are making crab croquettes and corncakes.” Camilla said. She and Susanna were standing on the porch watching the rain fall. “Are we not going to be able to sail today?”

“It wouldn’t be the best idea in this weather.” Rafael said.

“Is Noah OK?” Liv asked.

“The girls made him a crown, they're calling him a prince.” Camilla replied. “Eddie set up a video game console in the study and the guys are playing video games waiting for breakfast to be done.”

“What are you two doing out here?” Rafael asked.

“Sharing this Newport and hoping Mami doesn’t notice.” Camilla held up the cigarette.

“Oh please, Papi smoked for 30 years…Mami can smell a cigarette at 100 paces. You're still smoking?”

“I have four a day. You try raising two kids under six, working nearly 40 hours a week, trying to maintain a decent relationship with your husband, and living in a town where hardly anyone looks like you…I'm just glad I stopped smoking weed in college.”

“I stopped smoking weed last year.” Susanna said laughing.

“Cop.” Camilla pointed to Liv.

“I'm not vice.” She said. “It’s all good I think. I'm going in to check on Noah.”

“Take the scones.” Rafael said.

“I kinda like her.” Susanna said when Liv was gone. “You know, based on one night.”

“I kinda like her too.” Rafael said. He didn’t want to say anymore and suddenly almost regretted being left alone with his sister and cousin. They could always get info out of him.

“So is it good, Rafi?” Camilla asked. “Is it good good?”

“Olivia and I are friends. We’re very good friends but we work together so…”

“So?” Susanna asked. “Everyone I know met their spouse at work. If someone works as much as you do, how else you gonna do it?”

“It’s complicated.”

“You should see the way her eyes light up when she talks about you.” Camilla said. “And oh my god, she can handle mami. You better stop beating around the bush. If you want her, you better get in there before someone else does.”

“Your wisdom, as usual, astounds me.” Rafael made a face.

“Why are you such a culo (4)?” Camilla asked smiling.

“I think I came by it honestly. I can smell the crabs from out here. I didn’t bring mom here to cook all weekend.”

“She's in her element, Rafi. Her kids and grandkids are here and she’s happy. She and Auntie are in the kitchen laughing and trying to dance to Alejandro Sanz. This is good for her…don’t let your plans get in the way of that.”

“I think the weather ruined my plans.” He said.

“All the better.” Susanna smiled. “We can just eat and laugh and relax today as a family.”

“Eddie’s drinking too much.”

“Beer is like water to him,” Camilla said. “Just like Papi.”

“I'm a little worried he's way too much like Papi.”

Rafael even hated saying the word. It wasn’t easy to live with, hating his father, but Eduardo Barba, Sr. was a tyrant. He was a mean, violent man. There were surely moments when he wasn’t but for some reason his middle child rarely saw them. He never loved Rafael and no one quite knew why. 

Like in most families, they figured if they didn’t talk about it then it would go away. His mother tried to shield him from the figurative and literal blows. His grandmother doted on him. But often it was those scars that came to mind when he thought about family. That’s what Eduardo had really done, he stole Rafael’s definition of family from him. 

That offense was unforgivable. He knew so many kids in the Bronx whose fathers took the strap to them for whatever reason. They were not a culture, at least in the 70s and 80s, of time outs and hug therapy. But those other fathers also loved their kids. 

They took them to baseball games and taught them how to chat up girls. None of it was perfect; no one knows what happened behind closed doors. That’s why even though everyone knew that Eduardo was a philanderer and a drinker, no one ever accused him of doing his family wrong. Rafael didn’t know whether to be grateful or angry that friends and neighbors never saw him for who he was.

“I hear you.” Camilla nodded.

“Do you talk to him about it?”

“Truth?” She took one more puff of the Newport and gave it to Susanna. “I avoid him like the plague…God forgive me. He's seven years older than me and we don’t have anything in common.”

“We better get back inside.” Susanna said.

They walked back into the house just as Liv was coming out. Rafael leaned on the banister and Liv sat on it. She was eating a scone.

“Noah is having a great time.” She said. “He hardly wanted to give me a few minutes to cuddle him. I was taking time away from his princely duties. Also, breakfast smells amazing.”

“My grandmother had nine children. Out of my six aunts, the two best cooks in the family are in that kitchen right now. I should’ve known Aunt Isabelle would bring enough food to feed a battalion of soldiers.”

“That biloche last night.” Liv put her hand over her heart. “I think I'm going to have dreams about it when I get back to New York. Aunt Isabelle said she would give me the recipe but I doubt I could ever do it justice.”

“Camilla and Susanna like you.” Rafael said.

“That’s a good thing right?”

“Yeah.” He nodded.

“Are you alright?”

“Liv, I…”

“Come and get breakfast!” Aunt Isabelle exclaimed loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. And about three minutes later the stampede followed, sounding like something more out of a movie than real life. Liv was still looking at Rafael.

“We’ll talk later.” He said. “C'mon, if we don’t hurry, they’ll be nothing left.”

She put her arm around his shoulder and they went in together. Lucia and Isabelle were laying out plates and bowls of food and everything looked so amazing. Liv was excited, it had been forever since she’d indulged in a home cooked food. And apparently when you were with the Barba clan you were gonna eat. She sat Noah on her lap; he was just as happy as she was to enjoy the Cuban dishes.

***

“OK, how do I look?” Liv turned around. “Counselor?”

“Um…” Rafael cleared his throat.

Liv was wearing a black dress with three quarter length sleeves and a skinny black belt around her waist. The dress brushed her knees and she added some color with red pumps and a red clutch. Her hair was up, her makeup impeccable; Rafael barely knew what to say.

“You look absolutely amazing.” He smiled. “You look beautiful.”

“You look quite handsome yourself.” Liv walked over to him. She would’ve yanked on his tie but he wasn’t wearing one.

“I didn’t want to overdo it.” Rafael said. He was dressed in black slacks and a black sports jacket with a blue dress shirt. “I’ll grab Noah. Our reservation is in 20 minutes and we have to drive there in the rain. Susanna is organizing all the cars now. I’m going to drive us.”

“Just one thing before you go.”

“What?”

Liv kissed him. It was a sweet kiss on the lips and it made Rafael take a step back. She took his hand, bringing him closer and kissing him again. He hardly knew what to do with his hands. He wanted to kiss her, he wanted to touch her everywhere.

“Rafi, we…oh, sorry you guys.” Camilla smiled as she stood in the doorway. “I’d tell you to get a room but you're already in one.”

“It’s alright, Camilla.” Liv smiled, wiping the lipstick from Rafael’s lips. His face looked as if his mother had caught them.

“We’re ready whenever you are.” She said.

“We’ll be right out.” He waited until his sister was gone to look back at Olivia. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for years.”

“I had some idea.” Liv nodded.

“I don't want anything to change.”

“Some things have to.” She kissed him again. “We’ll help your mom celebrate and we’ll talk later, OK?”

Rafael nodded. He picked Noah up from the crib and they headed out to the car. His mother was riding with his aunt and cousin so it was just the three of them in his SUV. For the 15 minute ride Rafael was able to daydream that this was his family, this was his life. It had always been for the best to keep his feelings for Olivia buried deep. 

They hadn’t known each other that long when Rafael figured out it was more than a standard crush. Who wouldn’t have a crush on Olivia Benson? She was beautiful, smart, tough, and caring. But he was too old for such things so Rafael brushed it aside. Except it never really went away. It only grew and grew. 

He found out she was in a committed relationship with someone else and it did nothing to diminish his feelings. She ended that relationship and the inferno raged on. There had been a few times when he wondered to himself if she might feel the same way. Rafael often told himself it was improbable. It didn’t matter how close they got as colleagues or friends…Olivia Benson had become his little redhead girl. 

Until the very moment she put her lips on his, he didn’t think it was going to happen. A life as friends, as two people who cared for each other and had each other’s back was what Rafael had resigned himself too. Not that there was anything wrong with that. Olivia was one of the best friends he'd ever had in his life. The days when he thought he might want more, Rafael talked himself out of it with the reminder that he had it pretty damn good. That kiss, and everything behind it, made him realize there could be so much more.

000

There was food everywhere, so many delicious dishes at the Sag Harbor Inn had been sampled tonight. There was wine flowing, juice for the kids, and a three beer limit on his brother. The amount of pictures they took was staggering. Rafael was sure he permanent stars in his eyes as both his cousin and sister went crazy with their cameras.

Lucia was so happy. She wanted to hug and kiss and eat and drink and be merry. Olivia was sitting next to Lucia, holding Noah. He was munching happily on a birthday cupcake. Conversation amongst the family was animated.

“I am so glad you and Noah could come this weekend.” Lucia took her hand.

“I'm glad we were invited.”

“Rafi is happy with you. He insists you two are just close friends, and that may be so, but I know my son. He has those feelings he refuses to acknowledge and talk about. Don’t let him get away, Olivia. It’s shameful how it always falls on us women to make things right. Don’t let him get away with not telling you how he feels about you.”

“I can't drag it out of him.” Liv said.

“Says who?” Lucia laughed. “My boy has a troubled spirit, I admit some of that may be my fault. But I see how he looks at you; know how he speaks of you. I made one wish tonight and it’s for him to be happy. I know he can be happy with you if he lets go of some of that trouble long enough. You can help him.”

“I’ll do my best.” She tried to smile.

“You’ve done a lot already. He and his brother have been together for over 24 hours and there has been no argument or fisticuffs. That has to be a family first.”

“Speaking of Eddie, I wasn’t sure if I was going to bring this up but…may I be candid, Mrs. Barba?”

“Call me Lucia and of course you can. You're family.”

“Eddie calls Rafael Gordo.” Liv lowered her voice. “He says his father used to call him that and what came after was never good. I don’t want to bring up any bad memories but I think it’s time for it to stop.”

“Eduardo had a horrible temper and he did take a lot out on Rafi. Eddie was just like him; made in his image like God made Adam. I know if Eduardo would’ve been better to Rafi then Eddie would’ve. I can't believe he still calls him that. He's never done it in front of me. I’ll make sure it ends. Some things need to be left in the past.”

“What are you two whispering about?” Rafael came and put one hand on his mother’s shoulder and the other on Olivia’s. “I think I might have to separate you two.”

“We’re just planning your wedding.” Lucia said.

“Mami!”

“She’s joking, Rafael.” Liv laughed when she saw his face. “She's just joking.”

“Don’t do that to me, my heart can't take it.”

“For just a moment you looked like your abuelo when mami told him she was pregnant with Cesar.” Lucia looked at Olivia. “He was the ninth baby in the family. Rafi has papi’s eyes…not the color but the shape. We’re still wondering where he got those beautiful green eyes from.”

“Don’t anyone say the mailman.” Rafael pointed to his siblings and cousin as they laughed. To them it was a joke, kids joked about their brothers and sisters that way. Maybe if his father hadn’t said it too, and meant it, Rafael might be able to stomach it.

“You sit and talk to your mother.” Liv stood up with Noah, whose hands were covered in butter cream frosting. “I'm going to the ladies room to check his diaper.”

“Let me wipe his hands.” Rafael grabbed a napkin. He walked in front of Liv and got all the frosting he could from Noah’s hands. “I don’t want it to get on your dress.” He ignored his sister taking pictures of them. He could feel her beaming smile from across the table.

“Be right back.” Liv grabbed the diaper bag and left the small dining room.

“Happy birthday, mami.” Rafael sat in the chair Liv got up from.

“It certainly is. I think I'm going to have one more glass of champagne so I can sleep well tonight. I told Olivia how happy I am that she and Noah are here to help me celebrate. Will you listen to your old mother for just a moment?”

“Yes ma'am.” He nodded.

“I know there are things inside you I can never know, even as your mother. But I know when you love, Rafi. You'll never be able to hide it from me no matter how good you think you're doing it. You love Olivia, if you don’t already then you want to. 

“Just tell her. If you're waiting for the right, special moment it may never come. Love her, love her son, the best way you know how. She gets you so she’s going to get that. Listen to your mother.”

“Happy birthday, mami.” Rafael smiled and kissed her cheek.

“I'm keeping my little cacahuete.” Lucia said. “Listen to your mother.”

He nodded again and sighed. Liv came back from the ladies room with Noah; the evening was winding down. Rafael looked around the table at his family and in that instant loved them all. Even Eduardo who was at the end of the table teaching five year old Rosemarie to play rock, paper, scissors. It was barely his fault that he was who he was, just as it wasn’t Rafael’s fault he got the short end of the family stick. 

He hadn’t really, not in the larger scheme of things. His father was a tyrant of a man and there was no way to dress that up. But look at how the Barba kids turned out. Rafael was a Harvard educated lawyer. Camilla went to SUNY-Albany and ran the housekeeping department of the Savannah Hilton, which was a four star hotel. 

Eddie was a mechanic and had his own garage, Barba Cars, right in the South Bronx. He'd even expanded in the past year to include detailing and pimping of rides. They had done OK. It wasn’t easy and there were still bumps in the road. But tonight, in one of the nicest restaurants in Sag Harbor, Rafael would focus on the good.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Olivia leaned and whispered in his ear.

Rafael leaned closer to whisper, speaking in Spanish, and Liv’s smile just grew. Camilla was once again there with her camera. The third time her brother held up his hand to avoid the flash.

“You're evil.” He glared at her.

“You love me.” She licked out her tongue.

Liv rested her head on his shoulder, holding Noah close. Rafael stroked the baby’s hair. Why couldn’t this be his life? Why couldn’t he have this bliss? It didn’t have to be perfect; he surely wasn’t. 

Olivia made him happy. She made him indescribably happy. Even when they were arguing, Rafael was still happy. She fueled and fed his passion on so much more than a physical level. They had never even been physical. 

Rafael loved listening to her talk; watching her do her thing. He loved the way she smiled and sometimes the way she cried. He loved her love for her son and that she always tried to find light at the end of some pretty dark tunnels. Liv had been through her own hell but was still standing. She fought, won; accepted the things she couldn’t change and changed the things she couldn’t accept. 

She was perfect for him. His mother was right even if Rafael didn’t want her to be. He also didn’t want to fight it anymore. How long had he yearned for something like this and now it was right in front of him? It had been for some time now.

***

Rafael walked into the bedroom and was surprised to see Liv still awake. It was after one in the morning. When they came home from the restaurant they spent the rest of the evening together as a happy family as the kids went to bed. Then Rafael stayed up for tea and conversation with his mother and sister. It reminded him of being at home in the Bronx, their tiny kitchen the home of many late night chats. Liv was in bed, looking at her tablet; she was wearing her glasses. He loved her in her glasses.

“You didn’t have to wait up for me.” He closed the bedroom door.

“I wasn’t really. I started playing mah jongg and then I was winning and the computer kept giving me harder and harder games and I hate to lose.” She looked at the clock on the wall. “Is it really that late?”

“Yes, it is. I see you're also sleeping on the inside of the bed.”

“Well I figure since you were willing to fight to the death and all,” Liv smiled. “What right did I have to take that opportunity away from you if it came to that? Plus I could hear the rain better form over here.”

“I can't believe it rained all day. My bad elbow really can't believe it rained all day.”

Tonight as Rafael undressed he didn’t feel as nervous. That wasn’t saying much since last night he was actually shaking. But at least Olivia was dressed. When he looked again he noticed she was wearing his tee shirt. Had she forgotten to pack something?

“Noah tuckered out so quickly.” Liv said. “I think he might be having one of the best weekends of his life.” Liv said.

“What's a weekend bender like for a toddler?” Rafael asked smiling. “He's had crab coquettes and cupcakes and corn cakes. My mother was feeding him like my abuelita used to feed me. Be careful…Noah could be susceptible to chub.”

Liv laughed, finally winning the game she was playing. She took her glasses off and rubbed the bridge of her nose. Rafael, down to his boxers and Hanes tee shirt, climbed into the bed with her. Resting his chin in the palm of his hand for a few moments he just stared at her. Liv put her glasses on and looked back.

“What?”

“I'm going to tell you how beautiful you are every day.” He said.

“OK.”

“I've never been…” he sighed. “Don’t set the bar too high, Liv, because I’ll likely not reach it. I'm still afraid of dirty diapers and that Noah might not even like me but I don’t know because he can't talk. You're subtle and calm and I'm a whirling dervish.”

“They say opposite attracts. Not that I'm necessarily agreeing with your assessment of my subtlety and calm.” Liv took a moment to glance away from her tablet screen. “Tell me five reasons why it’s going to work out wonderfully.”

“One, I don’t want anyone but you. Even when I'm mad at you or we disagree, I still want you. Two, you get me. I have no idea how or why but you do. Three, you speak my language…all of my languages. Four, you know about Trevor and you're neither disgusted nor interested in a threesome.”

“We’ve actually never talked about a threesome. I think I would’ve remembered that conversation. I would’ve possibly recorded that conversation.”

“Liv…” he smiled.

“So what's number five?” she asked.

“You feel like home to me. When I'm doing other cases and we don’t get to work together, I feel off kilter. When you call me about cases, I feel good again. When we have our sidebars or our random movie nights they're my favorite nights of sometimes awful weeks. In your presence, I'm better. 

“I want you, Liv. I want to love you and make you laugh and take care of you when you're sick and be a force for good in Noah’s life even if that takes some time to get used to. I don’t want someone else to come along and take you away. I want to be squabbling at 85.”

Olivia leaned down and kissed him. Rafael sighed when she put her hand on his cheek. His body temperature was rising. After the Spanish in the restaurant and the shameless flirting in the car, he was ready for what usually came next. But he and Olivia had never been intimate before. Rafael had a feeling it would be just like coming home as well. It better not be like riding a bike…that was something he was never the best at.

“Are you done with mah jongg?” he asked as he gently took the tablet from her hands.

“It would seem as if I am.” She handed him her glasses. “Don’t forget to turn it off.”

Rafael turned it off, put them on the nightstand, and then turned off the lamp as well. They were in darkness as Liv slid under the blankets. Rafael moved over into her arms, immediately kissing her.

“Give me five reasons it’s going to work wonderfully.” He said.

“We know each other well and what we don’t know we’re ready to listen to and be open minded about. Two, we have lots of chemistry and have been pretending for at least a year now that we don’t. Three, being friends first is always better. Building a foundation on something that isn't just physical or sexual attraction is important. Four, because I hate it when I don’t even see you for a few days. Four and a half, you know exactly how I take my coffee and tea. You also know my favorite wine.”

“Was that four and three quarters?” Rafael laughed as he kissed her again. That was something he could quickly get used to. He probably already had.

“Number five is Te amo (5). Te amo tanto (6), Rafael Barba.”

“Mi amor.” He took her face in his hands. “Te quiero también. (7)”

“Why are we still talking?” Liv wrapped herself around him.

“There's a baby on the other side of the room.”

“Don’t foil my plans with your complete reasonableness.” She whispered in his ear. “I'm not wearing any panties.”

“My mother is upstairs.” Rafael did the sign of the cross, which he probably hadn’t done since high school.

“I want to feel your skin.” Liv took off his tee shirt.

“I don’t know if I can resist.”

“Surrender.”

He already had, so long ago it was useless to look back and count all the time. Rafael just hoped he hadn’t wasted too many moments. He wanted to make up for lost time and build a future all in one step. It couldn’t wait anymore; it had waited long enough. Rafael would add it to the very short list of things that were completely worth the wait.

***

**Author's Note:**

> 1) peanut.  
> 2) Don’t speak ill of the dead.  
> 3) sodomy.  
> 4) butt.  
> 5) I love you.  
> 6) I love you so much.  
> 7) I love you too.


End file.
